


Throw

by vellichor_productions



Series: Get Your Fair Share of Angst-Fueled Fics Right Here. They're Free. [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Aversion to touch, Confusion, Families of Choice, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Jisung is a panicky child, Jisung-centric, Park Jisung-centric, Protective Siblings, Team as Family, ft. Lucas's Long Arms, the author is projecting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-06-11 00:21:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15303324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vellichor_productions/pseuds/vellichor_productions
Summary: Jisung doesn't usually get anxious, but when he does, things tend to spiral out of control quite quickly





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are always appreciated!!! should I make a continuation?? would you like to see any specific people show up in the next fic??

Jisung’s day had been excruciatingly long and by the time he had gotten back to the dorm, he felt as though he was walking on eggshells. He hadn’t felt that bad when he first woke up, so he had automatically assumed it would be one of his better days. He shouldn’t have.

Things got progressively worse as the day went on. It started with the loud rumble of the cars he and his hyungs were forced into followed by the too-bright lights at the photo shoot. Then it was the too-strong smell of hairspray, and the too-loud-grating-on-his-ears camera clicks. All through that it was the scratchy, too-hot clothes and the cheek-pinching and cooing and sidehugs and playful hits.

During the car ride back from schedules, Jisung felt as though he would crawl out of his skin and when he and his members finally burst into the dorm in a flurry of screeches and laughter, he slipped away into his room.

With shaking hands and an icky claustrophobic feeling expanding in his chest, he ripped off his sweat soaked clothes and changed, running  to the (blissfully quiet) bathroom to take off his makeup. Mark found him later, curled up on the cool tile floor in a soft tanktop and shorts, picking picking fingers raw.

Jisung tried to ignore the interruption but the click of the door opening made him want to cry and the sound of his other hyungs in the living room filled him with a sick sense of dread.

“C’mon Jisungie, get off the floor, it’s time for dinner,” Mark cooed, undeterred by Jisung’s blank expression. When Jisung didn’t move, Mark scowled and grabbed at Jisung’s arm. “We don’t have time for this right now Jisung-ah, Taeyong made dinner, so stop being rude and come to the table.”

Jisung cringed and ripped his arm away, clambering to his feet while trying to ignore the sludgy feeling in his chest and the weird stickiness crawling under his skin. Mark’s frown deepened and as they entered the living room and all eyes turned to them, he put a hand on Jisung’s back, intending to steer the younger towards his seat at the table.

Jisung felt sick, the icky feeling rushing up and spreading through his body like fire, and stumbled away from the warm hand stationed between his shoulder blades, “ _h_ _yung, please stop touching me!”_

The clamour and clinking of utensils at the table suddenly froze, the silence threatening to choke Jisung. He curled up, raking his bloody hands over his exposed shoulders, clawing at them. Johnny jumped to his feet and quickly ran towards the boy, grasping his wrists and yanked them away from his body, trying to prevent more damage.

However, Jisung tried (in vain) to wrestle himself away, and through the whirling panic he could hear Taeil, “Johnny! Let go of him!”

Suddenly, things got a lot quieter and he registered the wetness on his face (tears) and the tightness in his throat. “‘M sorry, sorry, ‘m so sorry hyungs,” Jisung slurred, the words getting caught in his throat as his breathing hitched. “‘M sorry, i didn’t mean to, ‘m sorry,” he snuffled, now curled into a heap on the floor, holding what he know identified as Chenle’s sweater close to his chest.

“It’s okay Jisung-ah,” Taeyong said and continued tentatively, “wanna tell hyungs what's making you so upset?” Jisung sniffed and curled tighter around Chenle’s sweater, “I wasn’t s‘possed to break down. ‘M making a mess ‘nd need to grow up.” Silence washed over the room and the only sound heard was Jisung's heavy breathing and quiet sobs.

“Hey Jisung-ah, hyung won’t touch you, but I need you to move to the bathroom so I can bandage your fingers, alright?” Lucas suddenly broke the quiet, voice calm and soothing. Jisung nodded numbly and slowly made his way to his feet, feeling shaky and hollow.

Before he could register, he and Lucas where in the bathroom together—the door was locked and there was a towel moved to muffle any sound that could leak through the door. Only some of the lights in the bathroom where on and Jisung quickly adjusted to the darkness (finding it much easier to bear than the bright lights that were shining before), finding Lucas’s lanky form crouched a little ways away with a first aid kit in hand.

“First hand out, Jisungie,” Lucas said and put ointment onto a bandage before gently plastering it onto one of the fingers of his outstretched hands, carefully avoiding contact and monitoring Jisung’s expressions. This continued on until all of his fingers were bandaged (in soft pastel colored band aids) and Lucas moved away, opening the door to the bathroom and letting both of them out.

“Go lay down,” Lucas commanded quietly, “rest some, and then we’ll talk about this later.” Jisung nodded and trudged to his bed, thankful for the reprieve but dreading the aftermath.

Before he finally drifted to sleep, a thought crossed his mind— _I hope that things won’t unravel and fall apart, the way they did last time I had this type of conversation._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung is in America (he wishes he could fully enjoy his trip)
> 
> ft. worried hyungs Eunhyuk, Gikwang, and Taemin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please enjoy! kudos and comments are always appreciated!!!
> 
> much love,  
> Vellichor

Jisung loved traveling, ever since he was little. This however, he thinks, is very different. He’s in America for Why Not The Dancer and it’s his first ever individual schedule. Before he had left, he promised himself he would put on a brave face (right after he cried in his hyungs arms when they dropped him off at the airport).

Despite his promise (and all his best efforts), it all went down the drain a couple nights after he arrived and settled into the house with Eunhyuk hyung and Gikwang hyung. 

In the beginning, he had joked about the fact that he had to stop filming (and go to bed) earlier than than everyone. However, at this point, it just made him sad and sick. It had been a stressful day and his head hurt from the omnipresent English (it was overwhelming and so, so, so, so, frustrating) and dark emptiness of his room made his heart ache. 

Eunhyuk hyung had put him to bed with a warm pat on the head and a soft goodnight and, when the door finally closed it hit him like a freight train.  _ Loneliness. _ Loneliness so strong he thought it would choke him. He ended up muffling a pained gasp in his pillow. 

God,  _ why did it hurt so much _ ? It ripped through him in waves and cut him deep. He felt as though someone had emptied his chest and filled it with tornado of knives, all of which were trying to escape in different directions. He clutched at his chest, raw fingers (he had subconsciously picked at them again, it seems to happen a lot nowadays) and jagged nails snagging on his nightshirt. He misses his hyungs, misses them so much, can’t sleep without hearing subtle creaks and shifts of tired bodies in bunk beds, can’t ground himself. 

He hears a keening sound and vaguely registers that it’s him, but honestly can’t bring himself to care because, at the moment, he feels as though he’s flying higher and higher and then falling and then getting tossed higher and then falling _ fallingfallingfalling _ . 

The door bursts open and light floods his room.

Things had been quiet for a while after they had put Jisung to sleep, so Eunhyuk and Gikwang had retired to the living room to discuss their plan for the choreography. Not long after, Taemin had finally joined them and they showed him around the house. Eunhyuk was relieved that, after their long day (and apparently, Taemin’s even longer flight), they could relax. 

They were having a couple of drinks when their peace was completely shattered. Earlier, when showing Taemin around the house, they had said that there was a surprise for tomorrow (Jisung was supposed to be the surprise). The most surprising thing of all however, were the sobbing noises coming from the kid’s room. Gikwang was filled with a sick sense of dread, remembering the smiling teenager that had sat at their breakfast table earlier that day, why was he crying?

Moving as if they were one unit, the three older men moved towards Jisung’s room with a sense of urgency that, looking back on the situation, was almost comical. (The camera stationed at the corner of the room zooms in on an overturned beer bottle, mess left unattended without a second thought). The door to the boy’s room burst open and Taemin flicked on the overhead light with frantic fingers. The three were left speechless.

“-sung-ah! Yah, Jisung-ah! Calm down!” Jisung flailed against three sets of warm hands, gasping for air. A wave of nausea over took him and he vomited, which only served to make him cry harder. Things started to slow down once he had finished vomiting and he managed to register the fact that he was now in a bathroom, shirt and pants sticky with his own sick.

The ache in his head increased and he whimpered,  _ god that had felt awful _ . A throat cleared from beside him and he looked over to see all three of his hyungs looking down at him. O _ h god, they had seen him, they must be disgusted,  _ he thought.

But Eunhyuk only crouched down and spoke to him in soft tones, “hey kiddo, you back with us yet?” Jisung nodded and took a shaky breath, bowing his head low, “hyungs, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your night.”

He heard Gikwang take in a sharp breath and exhale a sigh, “Jisung-ah, we aren’t mad, we’re _ worried _ .” Jisung scrambled to his feet, just to try and prove to them that he was fine (even though he totally wasn’t, he certainly didn’t want to admit it to the people he looked up to), but ended up careening forward, his shaky legs refusing to hold his weight. 

Jisung closed his eyes tight, waiting to hit the floor, but found himself in Taemin’s (oddly strong) warm arms. He scrambled back and tried to escape Taemin’s grip, “hyung! Let go! I’m disgusting!” Frustrated tears began pouring down his face and he let out a low groan, he didn’t even know how he could cry more, he honestly though that his episode was over.

“Hey, hey, hey, just calm down, everything’s fine Jisungie,” Taemin cooed. Eunhyuk pitched in once the youngest had finally relaxed in Taemin’s hold (Jisung was only letting out tiny sniffles, now) “how about we run a bath and get you changed out of those clothes.”

A bath was run and Jisung was undressed by Taemin, who did so with averted eyes and clinical speed, and then was promptly moved to the tub. (They left him alone but insisted that the door be kept open so that they could check in on him.)

When Jisung was finally changed, he climbed back into bed (freshly made with a new set of sheets, courtesy of Gikwang hyung) and looked up at his three hyungs with bleary eyes. “I’m lonely, will you please stay?”

That night, Jisung fell asleep to the sound of snores and three older dancers suffered achy muscles in the morning just so they could keep their youngest company. (There is an unreleased clip of Jisung, Gikwang, Eunhyuk, and Taemin all crammed on the floor in a pile of blankets, captured by a manager who was curious as to why his four charges hadn’t exited the house at the planned time—he let them continue sleeping).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung knows the managers aren't supposed to hurt them. it doesn't stop them from doing it though.
> 
> (hey y'all. heads up for everyone, this chapter contains MENTIONS OF ABUSE and ABUSE!!!! please please please be warned and take care of yourselves. if you feel it is within your best interests not to read this, then please click away. i would like all of my readers healthy and happy!!!!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay safe, my loves!!!
> 
> enjoy!!!! comments and kudos are much appreciated!!
> 
> sincerely,  
> vellichor

     in his last year of middle school, jisung learned that the human brain was like a supercomputer—it processed and stored information with lightings speed, it recognized patterns, it dictated behavior and emotions and so much more. that’s why he always followed his instincts, because it was his brain trying to tell him something.

     that’s also why, when the managers gazes and harsh words began to make his hair stand on end and his stomach turn, he told his brothers.

     jisung remembers when he first met the members of EXO. more specifically, he remembers the way sehun pulled him aside, gripping his with white knuckles (eyes flitting frantically). “this is a scary place and you are young and small. you must rely on your members, okay? you have to. they will care for you, and here, they are the closest thing you’ll have to family,” sehun spoke with an urgency and seriousness that seemed out of place at the time.

     jisung understands now, he really does.

     the managers are mean, especially during vlives, but jisung understands that they just want them to have good image. still, it scares him when the manager asks to speak to him alone. it scares him even more when the manager tells him that if he doesn’t shape up, there will be consequences.

 _shape up_ , what does that even mean? jisung is trying his very hardest—he is kind to his superiors, he gets decent grades in school (he isn’t top of the class but he is trying), his dancing is getting better by the day, and he puts his all into nct dream. what is he doing wrong?

     in dancing high, jisung places in 9th out of the top ten. his throat closes and his mind whirls, _he isn’t good enough it isn’t good enough he just barely made it hewillfailandhewilldissapoint-_.

     a manager’s hand claps down on his shoulder with just a little bit too much force and squeezes. “great job, kid,” the managers says, evoking cooes from the rest of cast members; the grip on his shoulder becomes painful and jisung braces himself for the car ride to the dorm. he knows what's going to happen, this has all happened before.

     jisung climbs into the backseat and buckles himself in, holding his breath and waiting. the manager gets in after, slamming the door (it sounds like finality and feels like a death sentence), and all of a sudden jisung wants to leave. wants to be back inside the building with the rest of his cast mates. wants to not be in this car with this man. he would dance for hours longer (even it it made his body hurt more) if only he wouldn’t have to be in the car.

     he lets out a shuddering breath and then detaches. he pretends he doesn’t hear the manager telling him that the company made a mistake putting him in the show, that jisung’s performance really could have been better, that he was disappointing everyone who had helped him grow whenever he performed so poorly.

     the words hurt. oh they hurt all right, they hurt really bad. they tear at something inside of him and he has to dig his nails deep into his thighs to keep from being sick. has to lean his head against the window, press himself against the door, grip the seat as the managers swerves on the road with a red face and white knuckles and voice loud.

     he eyes the car door, traces the handle with shaking fingertips, and wonders (not for the first time) if it would just be easier to jump out of the car, to escape and crumble and become a stain.

     they reach the building and jisung leaves the car as fast as he can, pulling his cap down and facemask up, pushing the thought from his mind.

     in the beginning, taeyong sits the dreamies down and tells them as a group that, just because the members of U and 127 were older (and in different subunits), did not mean that they could not rely on them. jisung takes these words to heart. he goes to his hyungs for everything, from help with homework to hugs. he grows up knowing he can rely on them (they will never realize how much hope this knowledge has given him).

     jisung is practicing black on black with the rest of his brothers when he sees the manager out of the corner of his eye. his heart stops and he trips, the music stopping only a second after. tired hands grab at him and frantic questions are shot his way but jisung just....doesn’t answer.

     taeil surveys him for injury and, when he finds none, hauls jisung to his feet. jisung’s chest fills with dread and he wants to cry at the look he sees on the manager’s face. he isn’t ready for another car ride, he really isn’t. he can’t take it again, he would rather die.

     he wants to stay, would beg on his knees in front of his older brothers if they would let him stay just this once. but they don’t, so jisung steeles himself and goes with the manager.

     gikwang comes to watch jisung during his practice with his dancing high group and jisung has honestly never felt so relieved. a ten minute break comes and jisung immediately heads toward the older man, who smiles at him with nothing but loving eyes and a comforting smile.

     jisung hugs him, and the moment the boy feels gikwang’s arms wrap around him in return, he breaks. a sob rips out of him and tears rush out unbidden, _god it feels so good to get a hug_. gikwang stiffens and clutches the younger boy against him with more force, “jisung, what’s wrong. c’mon kid, tell hyung why’re you crying? what’s wrong kiddo?”

     he heaves in a breath and tells gikwang about the mean manager, about the car rides, about the fear that makes him want to die, about the thoughts he has about wanting to die, and gikwang just holds him tight (rocking him back and forth like a child, jisung has never felt more secure).

     gikwang tells him that he has to tell his older brothers, or an authority, or someone in the company he trusts (tells him that if jisung needs help, to just give him a call, no matter what time it is, no matter what he needs help with).

     hoya comes over in the middle of the talk and tells jisung the exact same thing, that he can rely on them.

     when he gets home (after a surprisingly peaceful car ride), jisung tells his brothers. he bursts in through the door of the dorm and stands stalk still as seventeen heads turn in his direction.

     "i have to tell you something important. please listen," and they do. jisung sits down on the couch and his skin burns under the weight of undivided attention and he tells them. 

    they get angry. not at him though, at the manager. taeyong voice is cold and johnny's fists are clenched and taeil has his head in his hands and jaemin is pacing and jeno has an arm wrapped tightly around jisung and sicheng is cracking his knuckles and mark looks like he's gonna punch something and donghyuck looks angry like never before and jisung feels so so so protected. 

     he is so glad he trusted his brothers

     they tell the company and the manager gets fired.

     things don't get better immediatly, jisung still hates car rides and cries whenever someone raises their voice at him, but they are getting there. slowly but surely, things are getting there.

  


End file.
